Maybe We’re Overthinking Small Talk, but That’s Just My Opinion

The other day, I joined a conversation hosted by the Interchange Institute, where people from around the world compared how their cultures see small talk. Someone mentioned that in Finland, silence is a form of respect. I laughed and said that in Brazil, silence is the awkward one in the room.

It was one of those discussions that start with a polite chuckle and end with everyone quietly reconsidering their social skills.

In the United States, small talk is often seen as a form of friendliness, a quick way to gauge openness and build rapport. In Japan, it can feel unnecessary or even intrusive. In parts of Northern Europe, efficiency trumps chit-chat, while in Brazil, silence feels like something that needs fixing. What counts as connection is deeply cultural, yet many of us still measure our social confidence by how effortlessly we can fill the air with words.

Maybe that’s the problem. We’ve turned small talk into a performance. We worry about sounding interesting, witty, or confident when perhaps the real skill lies in curiosity.

A good conversation isn’t a monologue dressed as dialogue. It’s a moment of shared attention. Instead of rehearsing clever openers (“Crazy weather, huh?”), what if we focused on being genuinely present? Listening. Noticing. Asking. The quiet “Tell me more about that” can be far more powerful than the perfectly timed joke.

Intercultural researchers often say that communication is less about what’s said than how it’s received. In high-context cultures, where much is conveyed through tone, pauses, and gestures, silence can be a form of respect. In others, it’s seen as distance. Yet in nearly every culture, being a good listener is the surest way to make someone feel seen.

So maybe the next time we step into a conversation, instead of asking Am I good at small talk?, we should ask Am I making space for someone else’s story?

After all, the point of small talk was never to be impressive. It was to be human. Right?